Friday, December 20, 2013


*Fair warning*  This post may make you uncomfortable.  I'm sorry if it does, it will not hurt my feelings if you don't want to read it, or you can't finish reading it.  I'm getting ready to be very blunt.

This last Sunday we had a substitute Sunday School teacher, Mr. J.  I have heard him speak before, and I always enjoy his lessons.  He brings the word.

Unlike what I was expecting, Mr. J didn't do a lesson on the Christmas story.  Instead he asked our class if we could go to heaven right now, in this moment, would we choose to do it?  Of course there were those that would and some that were not so sure, because it might mean leaving family behind.

Mr. J made the point that if we can still be useful for God's purpose here on earth then we need to be able to stay.  This point really hit home to me. (this was not even close to the main point of the lesson, but it really struck me.) 

 It hit me hard, because, as many of you know I struggle with depression.  I'm in a constant battle inside my own head.  One of the things I've dealt with in the past are thoughts of suicide. Now, please don't freak out on me.  I had those thoughts at my worst moments and since then I've gotten medication and I'm regularly seeing a doctor.  So, no freaking out. Also, if you know me personally, please don't treat me any differently, or look at me with sad puppy dog eyes, because now you know how I struggle.  Everyone deals with their own garbage in this life, and unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) this is the bitter cup I've been dealt.  I say maybe fortunately, because there are so many worse things than what I struggle with.  I'm saying all this not to get attention, or sympathy, because honestly, those are some of the last things I want in reference to this, but I say it to put myself out there.  That is what I use this blog for to put down my thoughts.  And as regular readers see my thoughts are crazy, hair brained and scattered, but more importantly honest.

 Moving on, I sat there in class tearing up at the thought that if I had taken my own life I would have been cutting short the mission God has given me.  Namely, my children.  If I took my life I would be robbing them of a life with a Mommy.  How could I possibly even think of doing that to them?  I know I'm not a perfect Mommy.  Sometimes I get frustrated and snap at them, or get aggravated when they spill something etc. But I am thier Mommy.  No one else could possibly fill that role.  Others may try, but no one could possibly love them like I can.

In those moments in Sunday School class, it's like God was talking to me through Mr. J, saying, "Ms. T, I know you struggle, but you still have a purpose.  I'm not done with you yet.  Trust me."

See, I told you I was going to be blunt! 

Have a great day!
Ms. T

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