Broken

I know I have written about my depression and anxiety issues before.  I am not seeking attention of any kind, but this blog is essentially about my life and all the weirdness that comes with it.  Well, depression is part of my life.  I'll understand if you don't want to read about it, but sometimes it helps me to write it out.  If you wanna skip this and come back another day that's totally cool.

Saturday I had a really hard day and spent the majority of the day in bed.  I thought maybe I'd be ok on Sunday, at least I hoped I would be.  I was ok at first.  We went into church and sat through the sermon and half way through I started streaming tears.  The pastor had told a sad story, it made me think of a loved one that is now in Heaven.  So I sat there in service balling like a baby.  

I managed to pull myself together enough that we were able to go to Sunday school.  After Sunday school I told the Hubs I really needed to go home.  We were supposed to go to my Parent's house to celebrate their anniversary.  I just couldn't go.  

I was so upset with myself the whole way home.  I know I'm broken.  I feel like Humpty Dumpty.  No amount of attempts to fix me will ever put me together again like I should be.  Oh trust me, the meds help.  I would be 1,000 times worse without my meds.  And I thank the Lord for them constantly.  However, I know that this isn't normal and I wish so much that I could be normal.

I often tell the Hubs that I'm sorry that I'm broken.  He always replies, "it's not something you can control.  I understand." (He is such a wonderful man.  I dare you to find a man 1/2 as wonderful.)  
I am on the verge of rambling.  So I think I'm going to stop here.  

Have a great day!
Ms. T  




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Purpose

*Fair warning*  This post may make you uncomfortable.  I'm sorry if it does, it will not hurt my feelings if you don't want to read it, or you can't finish reading it.  I'm getting ready to be very blunt.

This last Sunday we had a substitute Sunday School teacher, Mr. J.  I have heard him speak before, and I always enjoy his lessons.  He brings the word.

Unlike what I was expecting, Mr. J didn't do a lesson on the Christmas story.  Instead he asked our class if we could go to heaven right now, in this moment, would we choose to do it?  Of course there were those that would and some that were not so sure, because it might mean leaving family behind.

Mr. J made the point that if we can still be useful for God's purpose here on earth then we need to be able to stay.  This point really hit home to me. (this was not even close to the main point of the lesson, but it really struck me.) 

 It hit me hard, because, as many of you know I struggle with depression.  I'm in a constant battle inside my own head.  One of the things I've dealt with in the past are thoughts of suicide. Now, please don't freak out on me.  I had those thoughts at my worst moments and since then I've gotten medication and I'm regularly seeing a doctor.  So, no freaking out. Also, if you know me personally, please don't treat me any differently, or look at me with sad puppy dog eyes, because now you know how I struggle.  Everyone deals with their own garbage in this life, and unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) this is the bitter cup I've been dealt.  I say maybe fortunately, because there are so many worse things than what I struggle with.  I'm saying all this not to get attention, or sympathy, because honestly, those are some of the last things I want in reference to this, but I say it to put myself out there.  That is what I use this blog for to put down my thoughts.  And as regular readers see my thoughts are crazy, hair brained and scattered, but more importantly honest.

 Moving on, I sat there in class tearing up at the thought that if I had taken my own life I would have been cutting short the mission God has given me.  Namely, my children.  If I took my life I would be robbing them of a life with a Mommy.  How could I possibly even think of doing that to them?  I know I'm not a perfect Mommy.  Sometimes I get frustrated and snap at them, or get aggravated when they spill something etc. But I am thier Mommy.  No one else could possibly fill that role.  Others may try, but no one could possibly love them like I can.

In those moments in Sunday School class, it's like God was talking to me through Mr. J, saying, "Ms. T, I know you struggle, but you still have a purpose.  I'm not done with you yet.  Trust me."

See, I told you I was going to be blunt! 

Have a great day!
Ms. T




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Learning to Say No

I have always been one that has a hard time turning people down.  Especially when it comes to people I know and love.  I want to help them with whatever it is they need help with.  It also goes along with my personality, because I'm a "fixer".

Recently, I have had to give up something that I have done for a long time.  I LOVED doing it, but I needed to step back just a little, and that couldn't be accomplished so I had to give it up completely.  I have agonized over this, because I truly loved it.  I also love those that are involved in it.  However, all good things must come to an end, and this was the end.

Since having to give this up, my depression has lessened.  At first I thought it was a coincidence, but the depression has continued to be at a more manageable level.  I cannot tell you how shocked I was.  How could an activity/ engagement/ responsibility that I truly loved cause my depression to deepen?  Wouldn't it actually make it better, not worse?

What I now realize is that the activity itself wasn't the problem.  The problem was that I was over extending myself.  And by over extending myself I was causing more stress in other areas of my life, completely unconsciously.  

My goal now is to be extremely careful in what responsibilities and activities I take on.  My knee jerk reaction in the past was always, "sure, no problem, I can handle it."  And I really believed I could.  I mean I lived a very high energy, go-go-go life for a very long time.  My life now is comparatively calm (although I have 2 short people that demand much time and energy ;), so I never thought adding a few extra things here and there would be a problem.

God is teaching me that I need to prioritize.  I need to be extremely careful in what things I chose to participate in, so that I do not cause myself to be stretched too thin, and cause my family to suffer.  It's an interesting lesson for sure.  One that is requiring much introspection and contemplation.

Have a great day!
Ms. T   




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How Do I Explain?

If you've followed my blog for very long at all you most likely know that I suffer from depression.  It is a terrible beast of a disease.  Lately, I've had some very bad days.  Days when I had to ask the Hubs to do it all.  And he does, with gusto!  The Hubs is truly amazing.  He is a great Daddy and Husband.  And when Firecracker asks why Mommy is laying down in the bedroom, the Hubs answers him honestly, explaining that Mommy doesn't feel well.

The last few times that I have emerged from my bed for one reason or another, Firecracker will come and hug me and ask if I am feeling better.  If I have to tell him no, he wants to offer me some of his food or milk, because, "they make your muscles really big and strong, and they will make you feel good."  Tell me that isn't the sweetest thing you've ever heard?  And then to make it better/ worse he'll say something like, "Mommy, I missed you". It makes me well up even thinking about it. He really is an amazing kid.

Obviously, Firecracker is getting to an age where he notices when Mommy, "isn't feeling well" and he wants me to be better.  How do I explain that it isn't something I can fix?  How do I make him understand that I want to be with him, but sometimes it just isn't possible?

I don't want him to grow up and remember all the "holes" in his childhood, when Mommy was too unwell to be around.  I want him to look back and not have any "holes".  

How?  How do I explain all this to a 4 year old?  And maybe a better question would be How do I fix it?!  The medication helps, but it's not an end all be all.  It only helps make the episodes shorter, and less intense (thank God!).  It doesn't make them go away.  Soooooo frustrating!  

I'm sorry to drop all this on you.  I've been in a funk the last few days.  I think I'm starting to crawl out of my deep hole.  I'm sure I'll be back to my silly self soon.

Have a good day!
Ms. T     



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Mean Well

I understand that many people don't understand depression.  And I'm glad for them, because it means that they don't suffer from it.  However, please stop reciting your ridiculous cliches to those of us that do suffer with it.  

No, we can't "pray our way out of it" any more than someone can pray their way out of cancer.  They are both diseases.  They are both treated with medications. (I'm not saying God can't perform miracles.  He can and He does, but does He cure everyone that prays and asks Him to heal their cancer?  No, unfortunately, He doesn't.)

"Too blessed to be depressed" makes me feel like I'm choosing to be this way.  Yes, I realize that God has blessed me inordinately.  He has given me so many blessings and I am humbled by them.  However, I'm not pouting because I didn't get what I wanted.  I'm having a "low" with my disease.

"Time will heal it".  Nope, once again does time heal cancer?  Nope.  
I don't mean to say there are not people who truly do try to understand and do not judge.  I just would like it if people who don't understand depression would please stop with the cliches.  They help no one.

I hope you all have a great day!
Ms. T


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Decisions

If you've followed my blog for very long, you know that I struggle with depression.I've pretty much come to terms with this disease, (thanks to my Doctors and my crazy medications) but there are days that it still kicks my booty. The other day I had one of those days.

Have you ever realized that you make 1,000s of decisions a day?  Most of them are mundane, but you still have to make them.  For instance, you pick what to wear that morning, what your children will wear, what chores around the house need to be done, which path to take to the store etc.  Like I said these decisions are mundane, and most of us do them with out even thinking twice.

However, when I'm in the depression hole, I struggle to make these kinds of decisions.  And by the end of the day I feel so wiped out trying to decide anything and I do mean ANYTHING feels like the hardest task in the world.  

This is when my wonderful, heaven sent Hubs steps in and says, "Honey, I don't mind picking up some Taco Bell for dinner."  Talk about a life saver!  I know making dinner is a small thing most of the time, but when I feel like I'm going under someone taking this off of my shoulders makes me feel about 20 lbs lighter.  God, bless this man for his understanding!

I hope you all have a great day!
Ms. T    
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Sad

The Hubs and I have decided not to have any more babies.  There are many considerations involved in this decision.  Not the least of which is all the things I've been struggling with from the depression (that coincidentally pregnancy brought on and made nearly unbearable).  

Most of the time I am fine with this decision.  I have to be.  But today I'm sad.  I really would like more children, but it isn't meant to be for us.  It's one more thing depression has robbed from me.  It makes me upset to see people that are obviously unfit parents that have children.  Because (don't take this as bragging) we are darn good parents!  I want to run over and scoop up those babies that are being abused or neglected and take them home with me.  But that's not the way it works.

I try most of the time not to be jealous of other people that don't suffer from depression, because as a wise friend told me, "everyone has bad stuff happen to them.  Some have cancer, some loose their parents, or their children."  I would rather have depression than other terrible things that could have been dealt to me.  

Sorry to put a damper on anyone's day.  

I hope you all have a great day!
Ms. T    


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Mental Illness

Mental illnesses are tricky.  Those who have never suffered with one can never fully understand.  I'm not saying you can't love and support someone who suffers with one, (or maybe more than one) but you'll never fully know their battles.  You may wonder why I'm choosing to write this and without getting all melodramatic I'll explain briefly.  I was recently informed by my doctor that he believes that although my depression and anxiety were kick started by my post partum, he doesn't think they'll ever go away.  I'm showing too many signs of them becoming permanent.  

While this is discouraging, I'm determined to fight.  I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend and now to my titles I get to add total nut case. =)  I refuse to let all those people down.  I am determined that this mess will not control my life, although it might try.  I will have ups and downs, but I will come back up! 

Those of us with mental illness are often thought of as being snobs, because we don't really want to talk to people.  And asking us to talk to NEW people?! that is 10 times harder.  We're thought of as being aloof and that we think ourselves better than others.  

This is not the case at all.  We struggle.  We have days where all we can do is get out of bed, get dressed and make it to where we are going.  Sometimes we can't even make it where we are going.  Our minds won't let us.  I know that sounds silly, but it's true. 

It often feels as though a huge weight has been put on the middle of your chest so that even the effort of breathing feels hard.  New situations, new people even new places are hard to handle.  Forget about NEW even places that we've been 1,000 times can feel daunting.  I can't really explain the actual feeling I get, but it's scary.  And the worst part?  Is that we know we shouldn't feel like that.  We know it's not normal, but we can not help it.  We can not control it.  It controls us.  It's almost like you can see yourself and you're willing yourself not to be this way, but it's futile.

And if we do happen to get where we're going and make it all the way through whatever it is we came there for, once we get home we are completely exhausted.  Socializing is work.  I love people, I really do.  And I have some people that I love so much it pains me to not see them.  But it's still work.  Let me see if I can explain this for those that have never experienced it...  After a few hours of being around people (and new people, no matter how much I like them are harder) I am so wiped out that I come home and spend at least 2 hours in bed.  I feel like I've run a marathon, I'm just not as sweaty ;).  It's not fair to my kids or the Hubs and I know that, but it's not optional.  IT'S NECESSARY.
 
The Hubs has gotten really good about reading my looks.  All I have to do is look at him and he'll say, "we need to go home, don't we?"  Have I told you I love that man?!  Then on the way home I cry and tell him I'm sorry.  He always tells me it's ok, but I hate it.  I hate it for him, I hate it for me, and I hate it for my kids.  I pray that they will never have to deal with this.

Those of us with mental illness feel broken.  Like we're Humpty Dumpty and no matter how much glue you use we'll never be normal.  

I just wanted to give you a little insight into the world some of us face.  I was not trying to depress anyone, or get sympathy for myself.  But please understand that sometimes people may seem snobbish or aloof, but they're really just having a hard time breathing right that minute.  Another day they may be just fine and would love to talk to you.  Give us more than one chance before writing us off.  We crazy people need love too ;).  

Hope you have a great day!
Ms. T 


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Prozac, My New Bestie

A little while ago I shared with you all that I am once again suffering from post partum depression and since then I have had quite the out pouring of love and support come my way.  Thank you all so much! 

I just wanted to update you all on how I'm doing.  My Doctor prescribed me Prozac (well, technically the generic version).  Prozac is my new best friend (sorry, Ms. L).  I just want to hug it and squeeze it and never let it go!  It has helped me climb out of the deep dark hole I was in.

I am still not the person I once was, but I'm also not the depressed person that I was for months.  I aspire to once again be the person that never worried about coyotes attacking myself or my children in the back yard (no joke a sign was posted near our neighborhood the other day warning that coyotes had been seen in the area), or snakes hiding in garbage cans to attack my loved ones.  (I know I'm weird).  The medicine is helping A LOT.  Thank you all for your prayers, love and support.

Ms. T

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Woman's Intuition

Women have that God given talent of just knowing (most of the time) what is best for them and their children.  Intuition is such a strong and wonderful thing.  However, lately mine has been working against me.

Once again, I am a victim of post partum depression.  This is an awful disease, and I thank God for knowledgeable Doctors and good friends that help me get treatment for it.  Knowing that I am fighting this invisible fiend helps me in many situations. 

This being said, I can't trust my intuition any more.  And it's a terrible feeling.  It's like finding out your best friend has been lying to you for months.  And that is exactly what my post partum tells me: LIES!
 
It tells me I can't let my kids sleep in their own rooms, because a fire might happen in the middle of the night and I won't be able to rescue them.  Or it tells me that if we leave the house today we'll be in an unspeakable car accident that will leave me without one or all of my family.  LIES!  All of them are lies! 

One day, I'll be able to trust my intuition again.  And I'll be thankful for it, but for now it has become my enemy.  An enemy I cannot escape.  An enemy that lives inside my head.  God is helping me through friends, family, Doctors and medication to overcome this enemy, but for now I must be wary and not believe the lies.

I'm sorry if this post depressed any of you.  I just have had this on my mind and needed to share.  I'll be back to my more light hearted self soon..... I hope! =)

Ms. T
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