Women have that God given talent of just knowing (most of the time) what is best for them and their children. Intuition is such a strong and wonderful thing. However, lately mine has been working against me.
Once again, I am a victim of post partum depression. This is an awful disease, and I thank God for knowledgeable Doctors and good friends that help me get treatment for it. Knowing that I am fighting this invisible fiend helps me in many situations.
This being said, I can't trust my intuition any more. And it's a terrible feeling. It's like finding out your best friend has been lying to you for months. And that is exactly what my post partum tells me: LIES!
It tells me I can't let my kids sleep in their own rooms, because a fire might happen in the middle of the night and I won't be able to rescue them. Or it tells me that if we leave the house today we'll be in an unspeakable car accident that will leave me without one or all of my family. LIES! All of them are lies!
One day, I'll be able to trust my intuition again. And I'll be thankful for it, but for now it has become my enemy. An enemy I cannot escape. An enemy that lives inside my head. God is helping me through friends, family, Doctors and medication to overcome this enemy, but for now I must be wary and not believe the lies.
I'm sorry if this post depressed any of you. I just have had this on my mind and needed to share. I'll be back to my more light hearted self soon..... I hope! =)
Ms. T
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thank you so much for posting your honesty Ms. T-after my other three I knew I wasnt the same person, but after lil' man was born I have felt the same way. I am a person who cant stay home for anything, I am always on the go, and now, I am terrified of even thinking of going out, even though I have many times and have been fine, I keep imagining everything falling apart and having a nervous break down. and as far as being afraid to let him sleep in his own room-sometimes it takes me a really long time to fall asleep bc I jump at every noise and listen so carefully at his monitor making sure that was him just rolling over and not someone else in his room...its nuts and I don't get much sleep bc of it, so I knoooow where your coming from ;)
ReplyDeleteSara, I'm so sorry! I had no idea you too were struggling with this. I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteMs. T
I am so proud of both of you for being honest enough with yourselves to recognize that these things aren't normal. Anxiety and Depression, whether short or long term, is nothing to be ashamed of. It takes a daily determination to recognize the lies for what they are, and choose to not believe them. Does this change the immediate circumstances? No. Will this eliminate the paralyzing fear? Not really. But it will remind you that this fear is not who you are, and it is a big fat lie. And because you know that, you will keep breathing, and it will get better.
ReplyDeleteIt will get better. That's what you must remember. Maybe not today, but soon.
Please let me know if either of you need anything. I am here for whatever you may need.
Dear Ms. T (and Sara),
ReplyDeleteI am sure that your post (and Sara's comment) will be a help and encouragement to someone else who is struggling with depression (of any kind). Often one of the lies is that noone will understand because noone else feels like this. The truth is there are a lot of people battling this unseen enemy, and it helps to know you are not alone. Thankfully, the Lord has given us good doctors and also many scriptures to combat the enemy of our mind! Isaiah 26:3 & 4 and Philippians 4:6 & 7 are two of my favorites for promises of peace! Thank you.
thank you ladies. sadly no one would probably ever know b/c im a great actress. the hardest part is trying to deal with these emotions and be a patient mommy and then feeling guilty b/c i feel like im missing that mark...sadly all lies (i know) that Im being fed and believing in...a daily struggle. 4 kids, one of them 7mths and the other 3 doing homeschool (all things I feel called to do) leave me wondering how to balance...but this too shall pass...or so i hope ;) thanks again ladies
ReplyDelete