How Do I Explain?

If you've followed my blog for very long at all you most likely know that I suffer from depression.  It is a terrible beast of a disease.  Lately, I've had some very bad days.  Days when I had to ask the Hubs to do it all.  And he does, with gusto!  The Hubs is truly amazing.  He is a great Daddy and Husband.  And when Firecracker asks why Mommy is laying down in the bedroom, the Hubs answers him honestly, explaining that Mommy doesn't feel well.

The last few times that I have emerged from my bed for one reason or another, Firecracker will come and hug me and ask if I am feeling better.  If I have to tell him no, he wants to offer me some of his food or milk, because, "they make your muscles really big and strong, and they will make you feel good."  Tell me that isn't the sweetest thing you've ever heard?  And then to make it better/ worse he'll say something like, "Mommy, I missed you". It makes me well up even thinking about it. He really is an amazing kid.

Obviously, Firecracker is getting to an age where he notices when Mommy, "isn't feeling well" and he wants me to be better.  How do I explain that it isn't something I can fix?  How do I make him understand that I want to be with him, but sometimes it just isn't possible?

I don't want him to grow up and remember all the "holes" in his childhood, when Mommy was too unwell to be around.  I want him to look back and not have any "holes".  

How?  How do I explain all this to a 4 year old?  And maybe a better question would be How do I fix it?!  The medication helps, but it's not an end all be all.  It only helps make the episodes shorter, and less intense (thank God!).  It doesn't make them go away.  Soooooo frustrating!  

I'm sorry to drop all this on you.  I've been in a funk the last few days.  I think I'm starting to crawl out of my deep hole.  I'm sure I'll be back to my silly self soon.

Have a good day!
Ms. T     



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