Acceptance

Disclaimer: This post is probably not what you are expecting from me. It certainly was not what I was expecting from myself. It is me being real, and that is a very vulnerable place for me to go. So, read on if you want, but if you don't, I understand. The "normal" me shall return on Tuesday, I hope!

 

 

When I read the above statement, I think I read it differently than most. I think the average person would read it as a proclaimation to another party, "Take me as I am or watch me as I go." I think that is a good way to read it, but admittedly, that is not how I read it.

When I read this statement, it was a warning of some sorts, not to anyone else, but directly to myself. "Take ME as I am or watch ME go."

How much of my life have I just existed through, only because I was not willing to accept myself for who I am? How many memories have I missed making because I was too pre-occupied with being who I thought I was supposed to be? How many people have I fooled into thinking that I have it all together by putting on this facade of super confidence? 

Wow, with all this heavy stuff, you might need a little backstory. Three years ago this month, I was at the end of my rope. I was having panic attacks daily. I was depressed. I couldn't leave my house, even for church, without having a meltdown. No one, but the people in my inner most circle knew that anything was wrong. They are still the only ones that know anything is wrong.

Until now.

 

I reached the point that I knew that this wasn't supposed to be normal, and sought out help. I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and I had the beginning symptoms of becoming Agoraphobic. With the support of my family, especially my husband, I started finding ways to deal with my problems. I escaped that downward spiral that I was in, convincing myself that I had overcome my "issues" for good. I didn't realize that they would come back. I didn't realize that I would deal with them again and again, each time fighting to regain control of my life. Sometimes I would win. Sometimes I would not.

Last week, I took a trip with my sister in law. She is one of the ones that doesn't know the battle I fight. I have found ways to smile through anything and have done a pretty good job essentially lying to everyone in my life. I felt like I should tell her, like I should share with her my secret. She deserved to know that some days it's just impossible for me to be with other people. She deserves the truth when she calls to see if I want to do something, and I make up an excuse as to why I can't. But I didn't tell her. Because what if she doesn't understand?

This week, I have really struggled to find a good balance between not lying to people about what I deal with on a daily basis, and not over burdening them with my issues. I talked to Ms. T one day this week, and told her that I wished more than anything that I could just be real with people, and be okay with whether they accepted me or not. I mean, I have some really great days. I have days that I don't even have to give my choices a second thought. Then there are days that leaving my house is not an option. (Trust me, I've tried. Those days I have spent hours hiding in bathroom stalls or in the backseat of my car so no one could see what a crazy mess I really am.)

Which leads me to today. I have to accept me for who I am, before I can ask anyone else to do the same. I have to accept myself or I will live the rest of my life "watching me go" instead of actually experiencing it.

So today, I ask you, do you accept yourself? Is there a dark secret that you keep hidden because you are afraid people won't accept you anymore once they know? I hope you know that you aren't alone. I hope you know that we all have things that we hope people don't know about us. Maybe by sharing mine today, I can help you accept yours. At the very least, maybe I helped me accept who I am for once.

 

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